(Whilst trying to chat up a girl)

Bran: You're amazing! Just like BUPA!

Damian: I just got that Typing of the Dead game. Does it need a keyboard?

(On the Challenger shuttle explosion)

Mark: The cabin crew was intact until it hit the ocean. Maybe the radio aerial was inside the cabin crew.

(Whilst outside)

Mark: Monster Munch: the drink of kings! It's very bright in here.

Sylvia: The referee for England versus Brazil is a Mexcian. He'll obviously be biased; he'll just give Brazil all the free kicks. Oh look, he's just sent off a Brazilian. You gonk!

Sylvia: I sent you a fax earlier. I need you to send it back. I need it.

Darren: The last thing you want on a boat is a load of pissed kids.

Sylvia: A friend of mine's in intensive care at the hospital. They've put her on a life support machine.
Darren: She'll be on that for a while... until they pull the plug.

Sylvia: Lloyd? That's not a proper name; it's an American name, because of Lloyd Grossman. You sound like a bank!

Ed: Look at that crop circle!
Sylvia: No, it's a graven image.
Ed: What is a graven image?
Sylvia: I don't know.

(On serial killer doctor, Harrold Shipman)

Sylvia: If I was a... traffic warden... then... I'd stick my pole up his arse!

Sylvia: A defendant shouldn't be allowed to cross-examine a witness!
Ed: Why?
Sylvia: Because a defendant is a criminal!

Darren: These optical mice are all very well, but they're no good in a power-cut.

Darren: It was nice this Christmas. We had some family down -- inlaws, not outlaws.

Charlotte: I love Penguins, they're my favourite animals.
Sean: Would you like one as a pet?
Charlotte: Oh no, I hate fish.
Sean: A penguin is not a fish.
Charlotte: Oh whatever, mammal then.

Angela: What kind of dog is that?
Leo: Alsation.
Angela: What?
Leo: It's an alsation, or german shepherd.
Angela: Yes, Charlie Chaplin.

Kemi: I've always wanted to touch the seven continents.
Jim: So you've touched the U.S?
Kemi: No, but I've been to America.

Joan: Do you know Alan Bennett?
Ed: Alan Bennett?
Joan: Is he famous? Then I wouldn't know who he is, you see?
Ed: But you said his name!
Joan: Oh, I could have done.

Rachel: I've never been so glad to put a cake down.

Jim: I grew up from, like, the age of zero.

(Whilst handling an apple)

Joan: Really big cox!

Ale: Good Ecstasy tablet. Don't come back without a leg.

Matt: Olivia's dog is nearly dead.

Joe: No it's not, it's full!

Matt: It's like the world has got a hangover for me.

Kelly: I had a film I was late for Uni.

Saxony: I love a sharp pencil.
Rachel: Yea the other day I got a nice pencil!

Angela: What are you sleeping?
Leo: I don't understand the question.
Angela: What are you sleeping ..... about?

Leo: I'd love to be on the space station.
Angela: With ghosts?

Jim: Which midnight monk did you crass?

(Whilst reaching for a cup of tea)

Matt: Let me just eat my key.

Matt: I'm only going to eat things off the bone from now on.

Joe: Yeah? Good luck eating a beer off the bone!

(Whilst discussing a recently purchased coconut)

Matt: How does anything get out of its seed cupboard?

Matt: The more it is, the more it costs.

Matt: I ate 15 bumholes for lunch.

Matt P: There will be no more Matt cock mouth.

Matt P: Ethiopians? Aren't they anorexic? Oh, that's bad.

Matt P: Tyra Banks, ten years ago, was like, "Why does your Sports Illustrated have red all over it?"

Matt P: Everything black is evil. Not people.

(Whilst no music is playing, and the washing machine is on)

Clare: Turn it up! I love this song!

Matt: You know, those long doughnuts? That taste like doughnuts?

Rachel: When in Spain, do as the Romans do.

(Whilst handling a tissue)

Rachel: Is this your mother?

Ed: What things are weird or extinct?
Rachel: Space dust?

Leo: Can you swim in a waffle?

Angela: All animals at one year old are fully grown.

(Whilst looking at a pair of shorts)

Leo: These ones are just shortened trousers!

Looking at a '4d' model of a horse showing it's internal organs:

Bates: Why is it called a 4d horse?

Mark B: Is the fourth dimension the inside?

Kelly: Gymnastics aren't continent, they have to wear special pads.

Birdie: London in autumn is my favourite time of year - when the trees are going bald and the floor's getting hairy. With leaves.

Joan: I know all about diving.
Ed: What would you know about diving?
Joan: Well, you've got to be able to swim... and... know the score.

Joan: I just proved Einstein's theory of relativity!

Liz: Blacks have strong genes.

Angela: My father is a mackerel master.

Nuno: Well, they just used him as an escape goat.

Joan: I'm not going to wash your shirt because it's a handjob.

Ed: Don't give me directions! Just give me lefts and rights.

Joan: I don't do turds at night.

Nick Dusting: I've seen a man get married to a pig.

Birdie: Don't phones go on to infinity?

Ed: You don't give an egg a funeral.

Diana: These fucking fucking men in their pissing fuck... lorries!

Joan: There was a chappy on the television and he said that when the computer gets two messages, it dithers. It makes it crash. They’re going to make something in the new block. Colonel I think it was. That might be how evolution works – how life came about, like the whale with its leg. There were all these pieces of paper linked up by metal. They had the computers, and it’s the same as guns. The computers dithered – and this is where we are now – and the guns didn’t fire, you see? The Exocet missiles: they didn’t go.

Leo: It looks like God is angry in that cloud.

Helly: Sweating oregano can be sexy. In episodes.

James: How long till you're back in the ring, pounding ass?

Joan: I was listening to the radio earlier and uh... uh... uh... uh.

Joan: I thought a dingle was a dingle, until I found out it wasn't a dingle.

Ed: Rubbbbbuhuh.
Hyewan: What is that -- a candy?

Kemi: What time does the microwave close?

Birdie: If you burp while the bus accelerates it's like a sonic boom going off in your mouth.

John: They have cars in Africa?

Henry: Do you find cigarettes need you make a poo?

Birdie: All the shapes have gone wierd

Birdie: Don't you find it weird that people can communicate in a different language?

Sam: How many cheeses do you think could live in that house?

Jim: God hates figs.
Saya: REALLY?!

Joe: Watches always get broken at train stations.

Josh: You sing out of your neck and you've got a neck.

(With regards a pizza crust)

Matt: Out of my way! I've jettisoned the flaff!

Jules: I blame her and her stupid Luigi board!

Matt: Brillo pads are easily available and they have soup in them!

Kelly: Do Naturists scratch, or is it just like it's another part of their body?

Jim: I'm not wearing any underwear.

Birdie: Oh Jim, are you not are you not are you?

Joan: Catherine and I, we're both snappers offers.

Joan: Garlic! Multi-big ones!

James: What museum should I go to in London?
Dave: British, I suppose: see the mummoforehead cats.
James: By “mummoforehead” do you mean “mummified”?
Dave: Not sure; Google it.

Matt: Could you eat sponge if you had sponge teeth?

Birdie: I caught cheese. That's Zen.

Joan: Jim. Mother. Satellite books?

Joan: Five is seven.

Leo: I'm going to use the multi purpose bum spray!

(Whilst looking into a scotch egg)

Hyewan: What is this stuff?
Ed: Meat.
Hyewan: And this on the outside -- is it chocolate?

Josh: Turn on my computer with your left-hand foot.

Charlotte: You can't shove a gibbons arse up your arse!

Birdie: Milk milk? Milk like Harvey Milk, milk milk?

Kelly: You don't live if you're a ham.

Hyewan: Blug?

Nick: Have you seen my flying knee sound?

Matt: His parents are nudists.
Kelly: To what extent? I mean, you can be nude in different places right?

Joe: Rabbits can't scissor!